Here’s to Hope

I haven’t posted in quite some time.  It’s rather a bad trait of mine – procrastination.  I think I have nothing to say, so I’ll just wait another day, or maybe a few days.  And before you realize, weeks have passed.  Weeks where I have been just treading water trying to feel better and stronger and not having much success.

My second cast was removed at the one month mark and the resident doctor told me to still stay off the ankle, but to try small movements as I could manage.  He reminded me that the more mobility I could get in the muscles before physical therapy started, the better off it would be for me.  And lessen the pain.

I have been trying and was successful.  But the past week has been very difficult for me with continual pain and aching on both sides of the ankle.  Sleep has been sporadic at best and that does not make for a happy woman.  I absolutely hate relying on medications to get to sleep.  Something so natural and necessary should be easy when you’re tired, right?  Tell that to my crazy mind and leg that throbs incessantly and robs me of a solid good night’s sleep.  So I have had to use medicine to sleep and relieve some pain.

In the meantime, one of my favorite uncles has been fighting so strongly in his battle with cancer, and his fight is just about over.  He is currently in hospice and it is a matter of days before he passes to a better place with less pain for him.  Almost makes me feel accepting of my pain because at least it means I am alive and can experience it, while he is passing and will miss so much.

Today by his bedside I whispered to him.  I needed to be very quiet for some reason even though he never woke up, I think he knew I was there.  I told him I was so sorry he had suffered for nearly a year, but that he would be at peace soon.  I also whispered that he had been so strong, and some of that strength had to flow in my veins somewhere since we were related.  And I would find it and use it to get healthy myself so I could help my aunt once he was gone.

When my aunt came back into the room she brought me to see a jewelry display that the hospice offered with a percentage of proceeds being donated to the hospice for their programs.  I fell in love with a brass necklace with a small anchor pendant and had to have it.

The anchor is the symbol of the state of Rhode Island, our home state, and something I had actually been looking for during summer vacation.  On our state flag it says HOPE on a banner beneath the anchor. I had to have it and my aunt purchased it for me and whispered, “It’s from your uncle.  He’d want you to have it.” So I proudly put it on and have continually been reminded of him any time I touch it.

The hope is for me to believe in myself and get myself healthy and to a better place, both physically and mentally.  Uncle David said I could do it, and I will prove him right.

(My uncle passed away peacefully in his sleep Saturday morning, 9/22/12, just one day after I originally wrote this post.  We will miss you.)

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